The Russ

Pages: 1 | 2 | 3

Russ that's why now i can remember it as if it were yesterday. Remmi was drunk again on gin and cabbage juice. She staggered to the mirror and started brushing her hair. Slurring her words she told me to get out of her sight and threw the brush at me. It hit me square on the chin. Although remmi was strong for a hamster i hardly felt it at all physically. But emotionally, the scar wasn't to fade for some time. I left without a word.

Russ NOTICE: Alright, i'm having the goat herding mother of a pointless, bad mojo, karma warping evil of a crouch into a ball and hope for sponaeneous combustion morning. If anyone has any silly joke emails, anecdotes or general mood enhancing doovers please feel free to send them my way. I need to turn this bitch of a morning into a productive one. Thanx ppls.

Russ Your previous scheduled program of Remmi - The hamster years has been taken off the air for a bit, while the censors go over some of the latest more raunchier installment's. In the mean time we are airing a few pilots of the Where are they now - Disney character's documentary which we are currently in a deal to subcond it to the BBC. Be sure to watch out for the disney installments in the coming icq's.

Russ mickey opened a pool hall called mickey's joint. Minnie and he are having problems. They have an on again off again relationship. With fights and arguments. She became a tabletop dancer at his establishment but after their last row, she's working for donald who has a rival hall. Mickey's currently trying to win her back by playing on donald's suspected involvement in the mafia.

Russ The papers have it all wrong though as really it's mickey who is the dodgier as good sources tell us. He has close connections in the italian cosa notre but he keeps it well hidden as all good mafia bosses do. He's hired betty boop to dance at his club in an effort to make minnie jealous. Which so far has only made her angrier, but secretly she is still yearning for him, and feeling awfully guilty about the affair she had with goofy.
Russ Hewy, dewy and louie, have grown up, beefed up and are working as bouncer's for donald's place. They now go by the names Harry, Dwane and Louis.
Russ Well as you know pluto can't talk so he's had to do alot of emailing and letter writing. So far mickey doesn't have a clue that pluto is doing this. Authorities are looking into it, but they have suspicions that he is trying to frame mickey and taint his good wholsome image. They are taking it into consideration that he might have inside information but they are weary that pluto might just be jealous of all the attention minnie has been getting.

Russ i got a georgiagirls password nee ner nee ner neee nerr
MadDog well you seem happy with yourself... your gloating is futile however, as I dont know what youre on about...

Russ how could i respond negativly? When a hamster offers you a shot of her last good twenty year old irish carrot juice how can you refuse the lady? Personally i think she was just trying to get me drunk so she could break the news of her possible deportation to me without me being too upset. Being an illegal french hamster in an unforgiving australian land must have been tough. Always having to look out to save yer own fur..

Russ life after that got a bit rough. You could tell be the way she was constantly washing her whiskers that she was worried about her pending deportation. Would she run again like all the other times before or would she stay to face the music. I think at the time she didn't even know that herself. Then as she stepping into her jogging wheel and started spinning it around and around i couldn't help but think that it was art imitating life..

Russ i said "so what yer trying to tell me is that there were three little pigs.. not two, and that the wolf lost in the end?? My friend you have got to be joking i don't think i want to be hearing from you again." and hung up... In hind sight my days a a childrens story book editor may have been short lived but at least i can say that i stuck to my guns the whole time.

Russ i accused a couple of todlers in my playgroup of being on smack so what. Those kids adored me. I didn't think the parents would get so pissed they'd have me fired. I still think i was right. They couldn't walk straight, they didn't seem to have much on an attention span, they couldn't hold up an intelligable conversation and they kept spitting up on me when i changed them. Ok they were only a year old but addicts always have some excuse.
MadDog you said a square word... um ahhhh
Russ which one i said many.
MadDog umm.. the 2nd one...
Russ oh yes that. it was rather square of me wasn't it.
MadDog yeah.... ummmm aaaahhhh... im dobyn
Russ Just try it dog boy, i'll rip your paws o.... um... ok you can dob if you like.
MadDog No... no... i... err.. would.. never do that.. to you... please dont kill me
Russ Sorry i'm in an ultra violent frame of mind this morning... um... yeah.... there is no threat of you falling to an untimely demise.
MadDog may I aid you in killing your oppressors?
Russ Go right ahead you may sniff them out for me. We'll see how we go from there.
MadDog aye skipper!
Russ Well get sniffen little buddy.
MadDog *goes off sniffin*
Russ yeah!
Russ call off the hounds! my pay went through. You can maul them still a bit thoguh if you like.
MadDog *pokes evil pay-roll staff with a freshly sharpened HB pencil*

Russ when was the last time you washed yer coat mad? Who's a smelly little dog then eh... eh? You are... yes you are boy yes you are.
MadDog I have fists of fury....
Russ And i have feet of ferocity but try telling that to the judges..
MadDog i dont quite know what to say to that.... oh hang on... yes I do... ... you are!
Russ eh.. bu.. wha... man there isn't a come back in the world to that one... oh hang on yes there is.... naaahh you are!!
MadDog you win man.. youre just way too witty man...
Russ witty?? nah, i know you are but what am i?... oh witty's good isn't it..
Russ what can i say i'm just one big pile of wit.
MadDog youre positively up to your neck in it...
Russ someone called me a fuckwit once is that close?
MadDog that is wittiness of the highest order...
Russ yeah i thought so too but when i complimented the dean by calling him that he didn't appreciate it much. He's a very modest man you see, it must have stroked his ego a bit too much.
MadDog yeah.. that wacky dean... you should rig up a bra cannon to go off and shower the crowd with undergarments when he makes his end of year speech
Russ I thought of that too but instead at his big speech i showed my appreciation by getting up in front of the crowd and telling him just how much of a fuckwit he really is. He looked a bit mad that i'd gone to so much trouble but when the crowd joined in in a round of cheers and applause in honoring how much of a fuckwit we all thought he was he didn't have much more to say.

Russ I just saw an old guy wandering around in the law library, with an old style brown doctors bag, and old style brown tweed three peice suit and wearing just above ankle high spice girls gumboots. Now that guy is a complete legend.
MadDog did you get an autograph...
Russ in fact no, dammit.
MadDog dang it... you should always have a pen handy...
Russ I do but i didn't have my old guy in gumboots collectors edition spice girls autograph book on me.

Russ maybe framing jeffy kennett with the ambulance cover up scandal just before the election was a mean thing of me to do. But how was i to know that it would put secret go-go dancer and long time closet cross dresser mr "squidgy" bracks in power.

Russ ever had one of those bones?
MadDog yeah,,, the ones with that weird gristly stuff at the end... they suck big time.. comiserations, old bean...
Russ Comradary in boneship. I knew i could count on you to sympathise.
MadDog look to the bone!
Russ or, speak to the bone 'cos the ears ain't listenin!

Russ y'know i just got into one of those moods. The one's where even creedence doesn't bring you back from the brink and enya is no where to be seen. How could the police put me in that sort of situation, explaining to a group of grade four pupils that i could no longer teach then 'cos in their eyes drug trafficking was a "federal offence" gee i mean really the sixteen kilo's they caught me with wasn't even a quarter of the whole shipment.

Pages: 1 | 2 | 3